


what a wicked thing to do (to let me dream of you)

by toddperry



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Angst, Charlie doesn't get expelled though, Cheating, I'll write some Knarlie fluff to make up for this, Implied Sexual Content, Internalized Homophobia, Knox is a dick in this so i'm sorry Knox fans, M/M, No Smut, Oneshot, Pining, Post-Welton, Song fic, follows canon so sorry Neil does not live, hopeful ending ig?, inspired by chris isaak's wicked game
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:56:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28761426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toddperry/pseuds/toddperry
Summary: In the years after Welton, Charlie and Knox pursue an affair as Knox marries Chris.
Relationships: Charlie Dalton/Knox Overstreet, Chris Noel/Knox Overstreet
Comments: 18
Kudos: 25





	what a wicked thing to do (to let me dream of you)

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! so this is inspired by the song 'wicked game' by chris isaak, it's one of my favourites. thanks to phoebe for basically helping me come up with this fic, we both realised the potential of this song for knarlie. it's a bit out of my comfort zone so i'm not so confident about this one, i'd love feedback! sorry knox lovers, he is kind of an ass in this. i'll write knarlie fluff soon to make up for it! as well as wicked game, i listened to 'illicit affairs' and 'right where you left me' by taylor swift a lot while writing... so you might find some references to those songs in here that slipped in. i'm really tired posting this so sorry for any errors, and finally, thanks to all the beanuts over at campitts, ily all <3

__

_‘What a wicked game you play, to make me feel this way  
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you  
What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way  
What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you’_

It always started like this, with Knox calling him, letting him know he had a few free hours where Chris would be out of the house. He never had his phone on silent and planned his life around these illicit meet ups with the other man. Charlie would knock on the door to Knox’s white picket-fence home in Vermont, and Knox would usher him in glancing cautiously around outside to check no one had seen his lover’s arrival. 

When they had still been at school, when they still shared a dorm, the two boys had collided together in the weeks after Neil’s death. The world had felt like it had been on fire ever since Neil’s death. While the others were being consumed by sorrow, frozen in place by their grief, Charlie was in a burning rage against the universe. Having faced near expulsion for punching Cameron after he used Keating as a scapegoat, Charlie retreated back into himself and closed himself off; a tactic of self-preservation, and he found excessive comfort in vices like cigarettes and alcohol.

Sometimes he felt like a weight had been dropped on his chest and he had been cast off, adrift in the ocean, only to sink and sink, all the while water was filling his lungs. Knox was the lifeboat that rescued him, that pulled him up for air and Charlie clung to him, afraid to slip back into the waves of his grief. And so, Knox became his vice, he didn’t need the drink or the pack a day anymore, the validation he got from Knox’s attention sustained him, and the lingering touches and the nights spent under scratchy sheets in their high school dorm became his sanctuary. He would realise later that perhaps he needed Knox more than Knox needed him, and he wished he had smothered the flame in his soul that burned for him before it had grown into a roaring blaze, because nothing good can come to those who play with fire.

Knox would go to see Chris, for a date or to simply escape the prison that Welton had become, but he would always return into Charlie’s arms afterwards. He knew it was wrong from the beginning, Chris was sweet and kind, and he had tried so hard to find a fault in her to justify it all, to make himself feel better, but he could not. Charlie would sit at his desk and listen to Knox talk about how much he loved her, how beautiful she was, how he planned to marry her, and then moments later they would be kissing passionately, holding each other tightly as they moved to the bed, and then Charlie would be leaning back with Knox over him and they would retreat into each other for a while and in his head, Charlie pretended that every kiss he pressed against Knox’s lips wiped a memory of Chris from his mind.

It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do; Charlie had always planned to go to New York after graduation. But Knox took an apprenticeship at his father’s law firm, and Charlie did not want to leave him. Rationalising it in his head by convincing himself that maybe if he stuck around Knox would eventually be honest with himself and commit to him. The other Poets had all gone their separate ways to college, and so Charlie stayed in Vermont and took up an apprentice position at his own father’s firm, he rented a small apartment above a shop, and his and Knox’s clandestine affair continued. For the next year they would meet up almost every weekend, sometimes they’d go in Charlie’s car to some secluded area and then drive back into town in silence, pretending as if nothing had happened, and sometimes they would spend their time in Charlie’s small apartment, and when the house was free Knox would invite him over there. 

But then came the proposal, Charlie had never dreamed that he would lose Knox like this, he naively remained hopeful that he could convince Knox over the course of that year that what they were experiencing with each other was something beautiful, he hated being the dirty little secret because it made him feel like he was the dirt under Knox’s shoes. He should have known really that Knox would be one to marry young, his parents did, and it worked out for them, and perhaps Neil’s death had been an encouraging factor, not wanting to waste his youth. He wasted it anyways, Charlie would later think.

When he got the call from Knox to say that they could not meet that weekend because he had an engagement party to attend, it did not cross his mind to think that it was _his_ engagement party. Not even granted the courtesy of an invite, Charlie found out the day after when Todd phoned him from New York, where he was studying English at Colombia, to ask what the party had been like,

“What party? I haven’t been to any, Todd” Charlie asked dumbfounded, 

“Knox’s engagement party…” Todd sounded confused over the line, but then to Charlie’s surprise, he let out a curse and spoke again “he didn’t tell you, did he? God damnit, Charlie you don’t deserve this. He’s engaged. It was his party.” Charlie had never felt more ill in his life, a great wave of sickness came over him and he felt like all the energy had leaked out of his body and his grip on the phone slackened so that he almost dropped it.

The silence between them was deafening until Todd sighed and said, “Listen, Charlie,” And Charlie could hear the shuffle of his feet as Todd fidgeted uncomfortably, “I get it, I really do. If Ne- If Neil were still here, I would have done the same for him-” Charlie cut the other man off and said, rather more bitterly than he had intended,

“If Neil were still here, he would have loved you openly, we both know that.” And Todd barely managed to get Charlie’s name out before Charlie had slammed the phone down and hung up. It was harsh and cruel of him and he instantly regretted it, but too ashamed to call back, he just sunk to floor and pulled his knees up to his chin and began to sob.

He did not hear from Knox for two weeks after that, and his mood plummeted, he felt adrift at sea again. Todd called him the day after their last call and forgave him, assuring him that he knew he did not mean to be so harsh. They talked about Neil for a bit and, though it was not entirely the same, Charlie laughed cynically about how unlucky in love the two of them were. Todd was thriving in New York, he was in the process of publishing an anthology of poems and though he remained a bachelor by choice for now, he had made plenty of friendships that were just as fulfilling. Charlie envied the other boy, but instead of bitterness he felt only the sharp ache of a broken heart. Charlie knew Knox loved him, though he would never admit it. When Neil died it only made Charlie want to be with Knox out in the open more than ever before, to seize the day and love him. But for Knox it had the opposite effect of driving him further into the closet, and so while behind closed doors they were attached at the hip, publicly Knox kept his distance. He feared what had happened to Neil for not conforming, how could he ever face loving Charlie openly after that.

Charlie was aware that this was how Knox felt, and every time he had to pretend, they were just friends when they were out in the real world and not protected by the bubble of Welton he felt a knife stab at his heart. But he loved Knox so much that he would have him in any way he could, even if it meant sneaking out in the early hours of the morning to meet him just after Chris had left for work, or quick phone calls and short meetings at a discreet location. The shame he felt was astounding but Charlie craved the other man’s touch. And though he knew the affair was killing him slowly, death smelled like roses and Charlie could not get enough. That was why, after those two weeks of agony where he felt like he was in purgatory, he had answered the phone immediately when he saw the number was Knox’s. That was why when Knox had given him an address and said be there at seven, Charlie was there five minutes early. 

A hood pulled over his head, he waited on a bench just outside the building, it was a red brick terraced shop and Charlie couldn’t fathom why Knox wanted to meet him here. He sat frustrated, having gone from sad to angry over the course of the last fortnight. When his lover, or ex-lover he assumed now, finally arrived he stood up from his seat to greet him, but Knox raised a finger to his own lips and shook his head, indicating that they be quiet. So, Charlie followed him as he silently unlocked a door off to the side of the main shop entrance and then walked up a set of stairs before unlocking another door that led into a small room, 

“Why have you brought me here?” Charlie asked,

“It’s my new office, uh- with Chris moving in after the wedding we figured we would sort it now, the room she wants to be the,” he hesitated before continuing, “the um- nursery, is my current office, so I’ve decided the rent this place to use. She’d prefer it if I kept work and home-life separate anyways.”

Charlie cringed at the mention of Chris and especially at the mention of a nursery, but he held back his disdain and asked “But why have you got it now, shotgun wedding huh? Normally engagements last at least a year.”

“Well… well I thought it could be used for us. Chris doesn’t care that I’m getting it early, she thinks I just want to settle into it before our life gets hectic with the uh,” he glanced sideway at Charlie before continuing, “wedding planning and shit.”

“How did you explain me not being at the engagement party?”

“I said you had some work thing, and I told Chris you said you would take us to dinner to celebrate… she’s looking forward to it.”

“Hold on, so you want me, _your lover_ , to take you and your fiancée out for dinner”

“She wouldn’t understand why you weren’t there otherwise, what was I supposed to say?”

“You could have just invited me, I wouldn’t have made some scene… you think real highly of me don’t you, Knox” he spoke sarcastically, with a hard emphasis on the other man’s name. He continued then, beginning to get riled up, “Who is your best man going to be? Are you going to make up some excuse for why I’m not at the wedding too, make me look like a piece of shit friend in front of everyone?” Charlie waved his arms about in his anger, “Are you going to ask Meeks or Todd?”

“I want you to be my best man, Charlie.” Knox answered, and Charlie let out an exasperated screech and spun around to face away from Knox with one hand on his waist and the other grasping his forehead in frustration. Knox pleaded then,

“Please Charlie, no one will understand why it isn’t you… they’ll ask questions I can’t answer. I’m begging you, do this please, for me. If you love me.” Charlie froze at the words, he had always been open in his affection, but he had never told Knox he loved him, and Knox had never said ‘I love you’ to Charlie, either. The fight went out of him a bit, he couldn’t do that to Knox, he couldn’t force him into an awkward position; and so even though he knew it was going to be another knife to his heart having to stand by the side of the man he loved as he married a woman, he said he’d do it. 

He sighed and peered around the room, “So, this is going to be some fucking love nest then?” Charlie felt dirtier than he ever had before, it hit him in the face then that this was it- he had no chance now, the only way he could ever have Knox was like this, hidden away and out of sight. Knox’s marriage was going to be a sham from the very beginning, and again the guilt came rushing back. If Charlie let this continue, he would be condemning Chris to a life of lies too, not just himself. But Knox was giving him _that_ look, the one that made him weak at the knees and Knox knew it.

“It sounds bad when you put it like that, Charlie.” Knox sighed heavily, and ran a hand through his hair, “I’m just stressed out, and I’ve missed you.”

Charlie gave in then, because of course he had missed Knox too, he thought about Knox at every waking moment, and hearing that Knox had missed him as well, that he wasn’t alone in his yearning made any of his leftover anger flee his body entirely, and he moved to wrap his arms around Knox and rest his head on his shoulder, where he softly said “I missed you too” into the crook of Knox’s neck. He pressed a kiss to Knox’s throat, and then his chin was being lifted up by the other man, and Knox’s lips were on his. There was a worn sofa pushed into the corner of the room, and it wasn’t long before they were falling onto it together, and their usual routine began again. 

They saw each other a lot less after that, but it only meant that when they did meet, they were more passionate than the time before, and Charlie was craving Knox’s warm embrace more than ever. When he did eventually take Chris and Knox out for dinner, he could barely look Chris in the eyes. Instead, he resorted to making wisecracks and excusing himself every hour for a cigarette break. He would fumble in his pockets and hurriedly light up, eager to inhale the smoke and calm his nerves. Knox kept bumping his foot under the table, and Charlie felt the cruelty of his teasing sharply, knowing he couldn’t react, or he’d risk revealing something to Chris. 

It was like hell that dinner, and he rang Todd when it was over, as he walked home, he cried into the phone and let the other boy console him. But then Todd suggested that maybe it was best that he end it, and that he would support him through it, he put forward the idea that Charlie could come stay with him in New York for some time, but Charlie could not fathom the possibility of not having Knox in his life. He knew it was destructive, but Charlie knew he’d let Knox ruin him a million times over just for one more touch, he had never dreamed that he would meet someone like Knox when he first went to Welton, had never thought he could be so consumed by passion and love. He liked to think of himself as the independent one, he was the one Neil, and the other Poets too, confided in for advice- that was how he knew Neil would have loved Todd out in the open, because Neil had told him so. Perhaps, deep down, that was why he could not let Knox go, he felt responsible for him, and how could he leave Knox when he needed him? With all the other Poets scattered about, Charlie was Knox’s last thread of their life before that was left. And so, he collected himself and told Todd, “Thanks, but I can’t”, and his friend assured him the offer was always open, and that if he ever did need to get away there would always be space for him in his apartment. 

Thus, the affair continued over the course of the next year. Knox would stay an hour after work at his office twice a week, telling his fiancée, when she asked why, that he hated leaving without having all his work finished and tied up neatly with a bow, and Charlie would meet him there and they’d spend the hour together. Charlie sometimes pretended that Knox was _his_ fiancée, and that when Knox complained about suit fittings, it was the suit for _their_ wedding that he was having tailored. Charlie eventually needed a fitting too, and Chris insisted that she come too, wanting to make sure the best man’s attire fit her vision of the perfect wedding. Charlie had stood on the podium in the tailors, with Chris and all her girlfriends flitting about around him, listening to the gossip about Knox- sparing Charlie glances and smirks every so often, like they thought it funny that the best man was hearing all these secrets about Chris and Knox’s relationship. 

Little did they know that Charlie knew every little thing about their relationship. Knox would come to him frustrated after an argument with Chris, and he would use Charlie to let of steam and then they would talk about it all afterwards. Charlie would even give the man advice on how to make it up to her for god’s sake. It was the same for all the happy moments, Knox and he had never held anything back from each other when they were at Welton, and Charlie didn’t expect him to keep things to himself now under the basis of not hurting him. He wanted Knox to feel free to talk to him about anything always, lest he drive him away, and so Charlie would sit and listen and make little comments like “That’s nice” and “I bet she liked that” and his heart would crack open just a little bit more. 

Charlie got blackout drunk the night before the wedding, he’d been keeping a list of why he thought he was a bad person over the years and most of it revolved around his affair with Knox, and he spent the night reading through it and feeling guilty for what he had done to Chris, and for not letting Knox go. He passed out on his bed early on in a drunken stupor, and he woke up to Todd gently placing a glass of water on the nightstand in the hotel room they were sharing alongside a few tablets of paracetamol. 

“When did you get here?” Charlie asked,

“My flight got in at about 2 am, it was the cheapest one, I got a key at the front desk… I didn’t want to disturb you. But, uh- you were already passed out when I came in.”

Charlie groaned, still in last night’s clothes and he rubbed his face wearily. They’d had the stag do a few days prior- Todd didn’t attend because he had exams, but partying wasn’t really his thing anyways- and last night Knox was spending time with his family for the final time as a bachelor, and so Charlie wallowed alone in his room with a bottle of whiskey and his pack of cigarettes.

It hit him then, as he sat up on his single bed, Knox was getting married today. He felt worse than he had ever felt before, knowing the signed slip of paper that was a marriage certificate was going to make his and Knox’s betrayal more tangible than it had been when Knox wasn’t attached legally to Chris. Feeling suddenly ill, he rushed up then and ran to the ensuite, where he vomited into the toilet, Todd followed closely behind and rubbed his back,

“It’ll be okay Charlie, you can get through this.”

But the day was also made worse because both Charlie and Todd were feeling the deafening absence of Neil. It felt weird that one of them was experiencing such a big moment in their lives without Neil there too, in an ideal world maybe Neil would have been Knox’s best man, he knew Neil would have done it, offered to take up the role himself, to save Charlie the internal humiliation. Feeling a little guilty then for making it all about him, Charlie wiped his mouth and rinsed with a sip of water before he turned to face Todd, took his hand, and said,

“We’ll get through it together.” And Todd’s eyes glimmered a bit with unshed tears, and he pulled Charlie into his arms and they stood hugging for what felt like an hour, and Todd whispered into his ear,

“I saw your list Charlie, you’re not a bad person, it’s not your fault. It never has been.” But before he could reply to Todd the room phone rang. Charlie picked it up and found the front desk on the end of the line, notifying them that Knox and his father had arrived and would be coming to their room to dress and prepare before they all headed off to the Church, and not long after that there was a knock at their door. Todd opened it, greeting Knox with a hug and his father with a handshake. Meeks and Pitts were meeting them at the Church, and Cameron had been invited as a courtesy to his family who were close with the Overstreet’s, but Knox had put his foot down when it came to him being part of the wedding party. They had dressed into their suits while making small talk, Charlie fidgeting anxiously with the button and his bowtie, and then it was time to leave. 

Knox hung back in the room though as they left one by one, noticing this, Charlie halted in the doorway, and Todd who was a little further down the corridor gave him a questioning look, but Charlie just waved him on, mouthing that they would just be a minute. Todd glanced around a bit and watched the back of Mr. Overstreet retreat further down the corridor before sighing and shaking his head and following after him. Charlie turned back around then and faced Knox, who looked slightly pale,

“Are you alright?” He moved back into the room and closed the door gently, “You know Knox, you don’t have to do this. And I’m not just saying that because, well because of… you know.” Charlie pushed his hand through his hair, a nervous tic, and Knox spluttered a bit and wiped his forehead with his hand before replying,

“Yes I do Charlie. I have to.” Charlie could not see the point in it, why force himself into a marriage he had already corrupted with disloyalty. Nevertheless, he nodded and sighed and began to turn back to leave again, but Knox quickly pursued him and grabbed his arm, spinning Charlie back around and slamming their lips together. 

Charlie pulled back, a little short of breath, “Knox, Knox! It’s your wedding day, we can’t!” but Knox just shook his head and muttered out a curt ‘I don’t care’ before returning his lips to Charlie’s, and Charlie could never say no to him, and so they fell back onto the single bed Charlie had slept in the night before and Charlie, forgetting anything that Todd had said, added it to his list of reasons why he was a bad person. 

Knox had been married to Chris for four years now, coming up on five, and the whole time he had been seeing Charlie behind her back. Sometimes, Charlie would run into Chris in town and she would ask how his day was and what he had been doing, and he would answer politely and humour her with questions about herself, but she would always end the conversation with an invitation to dinner that Charlie would have to graciously refuse, the humiliation he felt from having to sit across from the man he loved while he played happy family when they had just become engaged remained an ever present memory in his mind, and it was something Charlie would never be able to do again. He created a persona of being a workaholic and a bit of a sleaze, all to protect Knox and keep things covered up, but it served a double purpose as it made it all the easier for Charlie to refuse Chris’ invitations, and most events where he would have to be around the both of them. 

Over the years, Charlie noticed how Knox was beginning to spend more time at the office than previously, and even without him there. He would arrive at the time Knox had given him, which gradually got later and later, and he could tell by the empty coffee cups and the bowl of microwaved pasta that Knox had already been there for hours before, avoiding his wife at home. 

Perhaps that explained why, a few months into their fifth year married, Chris approached Charlie as he was walking across town to the grocers. He saw her on the other side of the road and gave her a wave and an awkward smile, and she got this determined look in her eye that spooked Charlie a little. Chris marched across the road then, halting him in his tracks and pointed her finger at his chest, jabbing it a bit,

“Do you know her? Do you know who it is?” She spoke quickly and hushed so as not to be overheard,

“Know who?” Charlie asked, bewildered at the sudden interrogation, and nervous at what it might entail,

Chris cried out a little more loudly than she had intended, “Who my husband is sleeping with behind my back!” and Charlie blushed red, feeling caught like a deer in headlights. He hesitated before he gathered his thoughts and realised it was not him that she suspected, why would she? For all she knew, Knox was as straight as a ruler. But she suspected some woman instead, she probably thought it was some secretary at the law firm that he had met on the job, Charlie would be the last person on earth she suspected. Not wanting to throw his friend under the bus anyways, he collected himself and said as clearly as he could, trying not to let his voice break as it often did when he lied, 

“If he is, I don’t know them. But he would never Chris… you know he loves you.” Internally Charlie cringed when he said that, because that was the worst lie of all, while he knew Knox might not love him either, he also wasn’t really in love with Chris, he was cheating on her with him after all, and she didn’t deserve to be strung along like this. She had marched off after that, and Charlie only saw her a few more times over the next year, she looked a little off colour the last time he had seen her, in the grocery store on Main St. and Charlie had felt sorry for her, as he had done numerous times before, but he had not felt sorry enough to give her husband back to her. 

The affair continued, and Charlie grew evermore dependent on Knox while Knox seemed to grow further and further away from him. The discontent marriage was taking its toll on him, and Charlie was beginning to sense that Knox was finally starting to feel the sharp edge of guilt grating against his soul. A long time coming, he had thought later. In some misguided way Charlie thought he could help by being even more readily available to meet Knox, and as his passion grew, Knox’s was only waning. He would ignore Charlie’s calls, and a passing meeting with one of Chris’ girlfriends in a bar one night revealed to him that Knox was ignoring her too and spending nights in the office, sleeping on the sofa. Perhaps Knox had spent too long trying to please everyone. Charlie felt guilty for how he had made Knox his anchor after Neil’s death, it made it harder for him to move on, Knox was still in Vermont and was all that remained of a past life Charlie desperately wanted back. 

Nearing their fifth anniversary of marriage, Chris left Knox. She left quietly in the night, leaving a note that she was going to stay with her grandmother in Connecticut. It was an uncomplicated affair in some ways, because her and Knox had never been blessed with children, she just packed her bags and got the late-night bus out of town. It was the gossip of the neighbourhood for the whole of the next year, Charlie later heard. 

So that was how he ended up where he was now, sat on the edge of his best friend’s bed bent over with his head in his hands, having just confessed his love for him after nearly five years of holding it in, the mortification over what had happened just sinking in. 

They were laying back in the bed next to each other, any other time they would have napped in each other’s arms after, but this time was different. Knox rested with his arms behind his head and his eyes closed, and Charlie took the time to study his face and commit it to memory. They had never talked about their feelings towards each other before, they kept the relationship strictly physical, not because Charlie wanted to, because Charlie would shout that he loved Knox from the rooftops if he could, but because Knox was too afraid to be true to himself. Charlie knew that Knox was denying his feelings, and he was witness to Knox’s slowly crumbling marriage as the man was withdrawing from his wife and now him too.

It was wicked really, how Knox had let Charlie dream of him for all these years, and he was tired, tired of hiding behind masks and tired of being second-best when he deserved to be first. Charlie had thought with Chris leaving that this was finally his chance. Even more so, he believed it because Knox called him the second that he read the note and asked him to come over, and Charlie consoled him for hours before they moved to the bed. He was who Knox went to first in a moment of distress, he was the first person he thought of when he was left alone. Spurred on by this realisation and in a last-ditch effort to save what he was beginning to see was withering away, he made his final, fatal mistake, and whispered out those three important words. Knox did not hear him clearly at first, he opened his eyes and turned his head to face Charlie and muttered a confused, “What?”

And Charlie gulped nervously, clearing his throat a bit and replied, “I love you, Knox.” 

Knox’s face turned stony, and any emotion fled his features. Then he was sitting up and rushing across the room to find his clothes, and Charlie feeling foolish for letting his desire overtake his senses moved to the edge of the bed and collapsed his face into his hands, humiliated.

Knox was rushing to pull his trousers on and get dressed again at the other side of the bed, and Charlie could not bear to look at him. He heard the rattle of Knox’s belt as he fastened it,

The rustling of clothes stopped and Knox spoke to Charlie’s back, “This means nothing Charlie. Nothing.” 

Charlie removed his head from his hands, reaching his breaking point and overcome by spite he whipped his head around and with tears in his eyes cried out, “How can you say that? How can you fucking say that when every week for the past four years you have been calling me round for a quick fuck” he let out a sob “what am I to you? Just an escape from your shitty marriage? Sorry, wait, that’s over now isn’t it?” he laughed cynically, “she left you.”

“My marriage is not over Charlie, I love Chris. It- It’s just complicated right now. She’ll come back to me.” Knox replied curtly, his face blank of any emotion,

“Does she love you enough to forgive you for being with me?” 

“What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her.”

“So… we’re both just pawns in your game then, just pieces you can move around and do with as you will,” Charlie pauses for a moment before biting out another response, “I could tell her, you know, that it’s me. She knows you’re screwing someone else.” Knox looked at him a little incredulously then, so it was obvious he had no idea about his wife’s suspicions, and Charlie answered his look by continuing, “she asked me if I knew her, who it was you were seeing.” 

“Bullshit. You know you couldn’t tell her; you wouldn’t do that to me.”

“I wouldn’t because I love you! I love you Knox!”

“Evidently. You already told me.”

“And it really means nothing to you?” Knox’s blank mask seemed to slip a little then and Charlie had his answer, he knew it anyways but that just finally confirmed it. Knox did love him, but he would never be able to admit it to himself, or to Charlie. He was too afraid of the outside world and their thoughts and opinions, not conscious of the fact that the only opinion of importance was his own, and he was sacrificing his happiness again to live a life not meant for him, he had made that mistake before with Chris and he was making it again. 

Charlie spat the words out, “What happened to seize the day huh? Did that also mean nothing. Neil wouldn’t have treated someone like this, Neil would be disappointed in you.”

“Don’t bring Neil into this Charlie, just don’t”

“Why? Because you can’t face the fact that he would hate what you have become?” Charlie practically growled, his frustration reaching its peak. Knox angered by Charlie’s question stepped forward and pushed Charlie back a bit,

“You don’t know a thing about what he would think, and you don’t know a thing about me.” And Knox turned on his heel and strode out of the bedroom as quickly as he could, Charlie quickly pursued him calling out behind him,

“Quit lying to yourself Overstreet! I know you better than you know yourself!” but Knox was opening the front door, a making a gesture at it telling Charlie to leave, and he muttered harshly, 

“Get out.” 

The fight seemed to suddenly drain out of Charlie then, as he realised truly for the first time that he did not deserve to be treated like this. That Todd was right in all those phone calls when he suggested Charlie come stay with him in New York, somewhere in the world there was someone who wanted to be with him openly and tell him that they loved him every day. There was someone who would want to make him breakfast in bed and read to him at night, talk to him about their day and ask about his. And Charlie realised that over all the years of their affair, Knox had never really asked Charlie about himself; their meetings were filled with Knox’s marriage problems, and work problems, and overall life problems, and Charlie would speak words of encouragement to him and kiss him, but he never got an inch back. Love is a wicked game, and sometimes you fall out of it as fast as you fell in, and though Charlie certainly could not erase all his feelings towards Knox in an instant, he realised that perhaps he had just turned onto that path. And so, he stood in the doorway, for the last time he suspected, and simply responded to Knox with a calm and steady, 

“Okay” before he turned and left that white-picket fence mansion for good. Knox stood in the doorway, shocked at how easily Charlie gave in, but Charlie resisted looking back, and as he wandered home, he dialled the only number other than Knox’s he knew by heart, they picked up after just two rings,

“Hello? Todd Anderson speaking.” 

“Todd, um- does that offer still stand?” and Charlie heard Todd sigh at the end of the line, but unlike so many of their phone calls before this it was more a sigh of relief than pity, and Todd responded,

“You know it does, Charlie. There is always room for you.”

**Author's Note:**

> you can find me on twt @nuwanderism <3


End file.
